writing

Horoscope for week of March 19, 2009

Entomologist Justin O. Schmidt drew up an index to categorize the discomfort caused by stinging insects. The attack of the bald-faced hornet is "rich, hearty, slightly crunchy. Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door." A paper wasp delivers pain that's "caustic and burning," with a "distinctly bitter aftertaste. Like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut." The sweat bee, on the other hand, can hurt you in a way that's "light, ephemeral, almost fruity. A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm." In bringing this to your attention, Gemini, I hope to inspire the rebel in you. Your homework is to create an equally nuanced and precise index of experiences that feel good. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you will be able to call on tremendous reserves of intelligence as you identify the numerous modes of pleasure that are available to you, and define them in exquisite detail.

1. laughing hysterically. laughter comes from a divine place, that I have been somewhere and back and when i returned the sky or air from that someplace that had settled into my lungs from when I inhaled. it was when I pushed through the fire, through the ring and eviscerated into something else - seeing and feeling, becoming powerful and deep and dark and igniting. my laughter is its bright evidence; its bright spark. yellow on the edges. white at the core.

six months

I hadnt realized its been almost a month since my last post. Positivity = power in that what you put out there comes back to you. Critical thought is necessary but how it is filtered shapes how information is processed. Lately, the concepts of expression and communication have been presenting themselves. Alan said that self defense is a form of aggression and then there was Joes response to the email about blue Thursday and that Jawn pointed out it may have been aggressive as well. I think this is interesting as the question of "now what?" has presented itself in the due time we had anticipated it would. We have accomplished creating and having a baby and our life is well on its way to creating a renewed sense of normalcy. Life, I, we have changed. The way I relate to the world has changed. I feel more vulnerable. I feel more love. I feel more strength and power. I feel centered. I am still figuring this out. Its so new. A new life; at the beginning again. Possibility. No answer. The only thing to do is to feel it, explore it, grow in it and see where it takes me and us. To be attune to the experiences I have and what lies within them. How do they move me? What old habits are hanging around, needing to be shed through evolution? Fear. It leads to negativity and criticism. I have a drive now to operate on a big level of effectiveness. Its because I do now. I am guiding a life. One i created. Nothing is small about that - it has placed my effectiveness on a beautifully enormous plane and it is one I want to expand and bring inward so that I can cast it outward. Maturity and light. I love Danaë for bringing me to this place. For a renewed sense of self. Shes a special little one, full of love and light. I am so happy for us to be together. We will all do great things. She is magnificent already.

all about perspective

for five months now, since i gave birth, my face loo0ks different to me. every time. every way. i thought it was my hair so i cut it. when that didnt work, i went to another stylist. got new color in addition to the cut that time. neither brought my face back. when this kept happening eachtime i looked in the mirror for a period long enough to make me recognize this wasnt going to go away, i attributed it to being tired and wearing it on my face.i determined it to be age. i then added to that that my body had been through the most demanding and physically taxing experience of its lifetime, one that was so big that my body would forever be different, in every way. i then added to he mix that maybe the stress got to me and it made my face long where these was boyancy. no explination has succeeded in letting me see through it to my face underneath. no matter what I have thought or done, my face, the way i saw it, the way I recognized it, has not been reflected to me both in mirrors and pictures since i had the baby.

there is an identity in the face and its totally based on your sense of self and what you identify yourself to be. I saw beauty and youth. I now see big pores, dull tone, frown shape, roundness of bloating, age. No sparkle. No radiance. Im totally serious. When I think about it, the very thought of the whole thing is covered in a shroud of "jesus, thats sad". I instantly associated the unfamiliarity of it with negative -that whatever change I was seeing was a manifestation of something bad. therefore, something bads must me dominating the tone of life. its where I put the emphasis. im still looking for this to be normal and comfortable and its not. there is a certain sorrow i carry when I think that I have stepped to the next level of mother in the woman trinity. why sorrow? crone is next. why am i sad to have graduated to maiden versus celebrate the dynamic power I gained in the transition to mother? that i earned my step up. why is there loneliness and isolation in my step versus a strengthening of my union to the lifesource and unity. wtf? this quite a mindblowing revelation i have stumbled upon.

the answers to all of these questions are laden in self deprecation. the associations are not at all what my feminist and enlightened self knows to be true. the whole thing is very subconscious and interesting.

i have been trying to desperately to define myself. to make an image to morph in to that will declare me a powerful and lush mother. i feel that ive been working against myself. it still all feels so unfamiliar; i dont know which direction to take, i just keep spinning. i freak out with each disagreement with joe. we cant seem to get it together. we do in theory but then we get tripped up on execution. my body isnt the one i had before delivery. nothing is the same!

it cant be true though. the grey feeling in the unfamiliarity, the feeling of foreboding that comes with each fight- of misery and isolation and the loss of love in the future. totally inane. the unfamiliarity must have something bright in it. something that makes it an adventure and journey. is this what being scared feels like? every woman i know who does not have a baby seems so whimsical, so young, so tight, so opposite of me, so what I was.

the image i have of me now, the one i see myself as has long bright red wavy hair and hips and cleavage and is dancing. shes older and so pretty with her pretty daughter at her side. dancing. yellow gold backround. brick red pencil skirt. tank top. flat tummy. colors and art on her arms. big red flower tucked behnd her right ear. husband next to her. all happy.

I have heard women say babies, girls, in particular, drain your looks. that has to be bullshit and some shitty mother daughter fraudina thing to breed a sense of competition and angst among the closest of feminine based ties.

there is conflict among these notions but tied by something. i think i am on to something that is worth exploring.

take a deep breath

matte..i love the taste.

sarah knew exactly my thought process in taking too much time to order a dress and finding the dress..she knows me so well because she does the same thing. i love it and need someone, many or a few someones, who know me that intrinsically and with such normalcy that it makes the thought processes i hide away surface and wash away in their being understood and accepted.

maybe this whole thing is more of a start than i thought it was. that is, that I am at the beginning and so I have to revisit the starting line. sure, I have experiences and know some stuff but self development and clarity are redefined. its back to basics and this one is all about self love. five months into having a baby and feel like its still adjustment, its not normal to me in that i refer to "normalcy" as specific events and occurrences vs what life is.

"rededicate myself to my life". interesting.

priorities. what are my priorities? danaë and joe and myself. so where do work and projects and yoga fit in? what is our/my bottom line? I cant see the future, I dont have a plan now. big picture. I find that the smaller my world, the more fear-laden it is. so how does one keep a sense of global, cosmic perspective? and their place in the cosmos. and what of this shitty thought process I have that constantly leads to feeling like i am forever catching up? its driving me insecure and downtrodden. how about flipping it to being proud of what it is i do accomplish? I was actually felt crappy that I didnt get all the laundry i wanted to get done today. i felt it was a clear indication of my inability to be productive. I felt like a bum for sleeping in to 7:30am when the baby did. are these not insane ramblings; laundry?? sleeping in until 7:30?. madness. is this because I dont have vision? I dont know where it all fits in?

maybe its not about vision right now. maybe its about getting through the day. maybe i am still going through it. I can deal with that. i feel that im seeking inspiration or a measure of gratification that i had post baby and that those measures are not applicable anymore. starting line. but i dont feel why they are not applicable. is it important to me to excel at work or at being a mom? just got exhausted.

safe to say I felt a some illumination after my evening with sarah. i think that it all works out grand and that the universe will not allow for anything mediocre to come of my life. it never has. the fact that I cant look behind and go, "ah-ha" is reason for me to believe Im still going through it. thats okay then. I cant rush it and really, it hasnt been all that long. five months. beauty.

like tonight, I can think of at least five things to do if Im not sleeping but all i really want to do is veg and laugh and watch a show. not read a book. not upload pictures. not download music. most of me feels bad about this except for 15% that seem to devalue. poor 15%, it needs its day, damnit.

the office is closed today and im here. we close when the school system closes and we called the school system this morning to check and it was said that school was on but apparently we called to early because at 7:30 this morning, school was canceled. lovely. well, i still need to get work done and Im here and Im home all week so its probably good to get out of the house. my tummy hurts.

balance. that is the overarching value to brand pacini. what are the five ways to achieve balance in this new form of life?

i start at balance of what? body, work, family, spiritual knowledge.
body: goal of gaining strength, tone and physical centeredness. accepting body for the beauty of the female form it is and celebrating that by loving it. important that danae is brought up with examples of positive body image. this also includes eating healthy.

work: i have to work 35 hours a week. i have 3 hours a week for consulting. need time dedicated to work.

family: the most fun and important. to ensure that I give my family what it needs to thrive and i get what I need.

spiritual knowledge: its important to me that danae has a deeper connection to the self. rituals. yoga.

these are general ideas to be worked into the brand pacini.

for the record, we got up before four am today. the city on the morning of a fresh, powdery snow is soft, quiet, preserved, noises insulated under the snow blanket. I got outside just as my blue started to emerge from the black night. pretty morning.

february monday

i knew this morning that i needed to write. need to resume the connection. in the past few days i have been feeling disgruntled in being tired all the time and searching for the magic moment to change the situation and sleep. a wonderful, long restful sleep that i could awake from fresh and renewed. this magic moment is not going to present itself.
am i at a physical risk or is it a frame of mind issue? I feel like its a frame of mind issue and focusing on being tired is a cop out. are we pushing ourselves? why do i possess such a fear of exhaustion? i feel like its my martyr point. my personal m.o. that i can fall back on as an excuse to not do something or prioritize myself.
i cant helkp thinking that there is something wrong with me. that i have a condition or illness or something inside of me. cloudy head. sore throat. hallucinations in light flashes, shadows, patterns.
courage. sarahs candle calls for courage to make life decisions in my lifes priorities. courage. I like that word. connection. clarity. my mind feels like a scramble of refried beans and eggs.
its all in the mindset so lets start working on that: the two people i adore the most in the world are in my home right now, living togteher, loving eachother, passing the hours with excitement for me to join to them. i had a fantastic day yesterday laughing hysterically all day with more people i love and get so much inspiration from. de la soul is a good time in the morning. i followed the lead of my instincts and connection to the world and gave birth.
be happy for any sleep I get and know that our life is and will work out. visualize it being better than i had imagined.

grey sludge

winter maybe.

you know, im up for the challenge but sometimes i just want it to be easier for just a day. just when I think its going to be okay, that we have it worked out, we dont. smooth sailing is constantly under threat by some bumpy shit. the two realities live paral....
i cant even write what i feel eloquently. im tired and fighting off a cold. im trying to balance 2 jobs and a baby. im trying to be understanding of those i love. trying to be a wife and partner rooted in love as we get through this together. i dont even know what this is sometimes. I know i wnat to sleep but i have work to do. I know I want to clean the house and have calls to make and bloging is probably taking up valuable time but want to purge it and be happy in my status quo, like i ususally am. i feel like a schmo for feeling any of this when it could be far worse. i have a great life and im happy in it but some days, its really tough. i think that if i take a nap right now Ill feel worse when I get up for bot getting anything done. cant i just look at facebook photos and smoke and read a book and take a nap and when she gets up ill feel renewed and connected because I relaxed? nope. wtf.

inauguration day

i am surprised to say that I am feeling effected by this. i just got teary watching barack and his wife get out of a limo. i have never felt a connection to soemething political like this. the emotion comes from seeing a black couple, a young couple, people that seem like good people as the leadership of this country. it looks so different and we havent seen anything different like this before and for as long as i can remember, ive searched for that. is there hope? will things change? will i feel the sense of being an american that i have never felt, always feeling to be immersed in a country where its government is gross. he is politician, no doubt. there will be compromises, no doubt. ive come to believe that the machine is clogged in its stale, crooked repetition and never saw and end in site but there is something bright about this. at least today there is. over the years, ny interest in politics and news and current events and history has dissipated as I became aware of the contrived toxic cycles. but there has always been a vision of change. of compassion. of assistance. of respect. is it the dawn of those principles for us? i would love nothing more. i know, it may be a bit of the cheesy but I would love to see an end of suffering. I would love to see a reduction in the gap between rich and poor.id love to see an end to violence. Id love to see us take care of one another.

milk

have you dried up? wtf? who says that and why is that callous, desert imagery in the jargon of american culture? women are round and soft and juicy; "drying up" is an insulting and demeaning term that rips away some of the sweetest defining features we possess, features that are linked to our power and superhuman abilities to make life. fucking ew. having just graduated to the 2nd stage in the triad of woman-ness, this is a hard one to blow off. fucking ew.

wtf and fears

my horoscope this week is about letting go of some fears which is interesting because I just talked about this last night with joe. Here it is,

"It's a favorable time for you to phase out at least 60 percent of your stale old fears. The cosmos is poised to assist you in this noble cause if you'll exert even a modicum of effort. What's that you say? You're afraid you can't live authentically without a hefty amount of anxieties? You secretly believe that you'd be bored if you didn't have your worries to entertain you? Well, here's an idea that might work: Simply replace your hackneyed, knee-jerk fears with a slew of silly and outlandish ones. They'll allow you to feel the friction you rely on to feel alive, but they won't bog you down with heavy stagnancy. For example, you could contract automatonophobia, the fear of ventriloquist's dummies, and apeirophobia, the fear of infinity. Other good choices might be kyphophobia, the fear of stooping, and lutraphobia, the fear of otters. "

i am feeling this is the next stage of my evolution. i guess all stages of evolution deal with shedding fears on some level. last night, i was talking in terms of professional development and the idea of contributing. of being good at something. of being recognized as being good at something. a master at a craft. Ive always done something and then moved on, getting what I needed out of it, incorporating that knowledge into perception. professionally, creatively, i dont have a thing. im not trained in one thing. i am good what I do but im self taught and there is always more to learn. but what if im not. what if its circumstances that lead to my success and that on my own, i suck. thats something harsh to say and doesn't feel too good. so, this is the fear - the fear of others catching on. but maybe its a case of being good and knowing there is room to learn, always room to learn. for me, its admitting that and feeling confident in it vs thinking its an indication of what I dont know or how inexperienced or bad i am. I just want to be talented and think that i am but that maybe it would have been different had one talent been focused and developed. maybe not. i dont know but its time to think about where I want to go, what I want to do and how. its all a choice and direction. im looking forward to the branding session in a couple of weeks with some brilliant women.

afta afta

Unbridaled is over and it was pretty darn impressive. now, we decide where to go next.
im tired and have am on countdown to when I can wake Danaë for a bottle, return her to her sweet little slumber and get to mine.

Its january and time to start looking ahead with a baby -whats to come and whats important to me will define a direction. the biggest direction is that of mom in love with her baby; the rest fits in around that.

i think what i liked most about saturday's unbridaled was that it provided a platform for really creative people to apply their craft because really creative people are always creating. thats what you do when you discover something you like, something that inspires you: it gets to think and be creative in new ways..contstantly exercising the mind. my gig right now is managing life, for myself and my family, with its new edition. i am becomming good at that. theres alot to that b/c everything fits within that priority. After that, I need to identify goals and directions.

Joe is sweet, passed out on the ottoman while I work. waiting to get ready for bed together.