take a deep breath

matte..i love the taste.

sarah knew exactly my thought process in taking too much time to order a dress and finding the dress..she knows me so well because she does the same thing. i love it and need someone, many or a few someones, who know me that intrinsically and with such normalcy that it makes the thought processes i hide away surface and wash away in their being understood and accepted.

maybe this whole thing is more of a start than i thought it was. that is, that I am at the beginning and so I have to revisit the starting line. sure, I have experiences and know some stuff but self development and clarity are redefined. its back to basics and this one is all about self love. five months into having a baby and feel like its still adjustment, its not normal to me in that i refer to "normalcy" as specific events and occurrences vs what life is.

"rededicate myself to my life". interesting.

priorities. what are my priorities? danaë and joe and myself. so where do work and projects and yoga fit in? what is our/my bottom line? I cant see the future, I dont have a plan now. big picture. I find that the smaller my world, the more fear-laden it is. so how does one keep a sense of global, cosmic perspective? and their place in the cosmos. and what of this shitty thought process I have that constantly leads to feeling like i am forever catching up? its driving me insecure and downtrodden. how about flipping it to being proud of what it is i do accomplish? I was actually felt crappy that I didnt get all the laundry i wanted to get done today. i felt it was a clear indication of my inability to be productive. I felt like a bum for sleeping in to 7:30am when the baby did. are these not insane ramblings; laundry?? sleeping in until 7:30?. madness. is this because I dont have vision? I dont know where it all fits in?

maybe its not about vision right now. maybe its about getting through the day. maybe i am still going through it. I can deal with that. i feel that im seeking inspiration or a measure of gratification that i had post baby and that those measures are not applicable anymore. starting line. but i dont feel why they are not applicable. is it important to me to excel at work or at being a mom? just got exhausted.

safe to say I felt a some illumination after my evening with sarah. i think that it all works out grand and that the universe will not allow for anything mediocre to come of my life. it never has. the fact that I cant look behind and go, "ah-ha" is reason for me to believe Im still going through it. thats okay then. I cant rush it and really, it hasnt been all that long. five months. beauty.

like tonight, I can think of at least five things to do if Im not sleeping but all i really want to do is veg and laugh and watch a show. not read a book. not upload pictures. not download music. most of me feels bad about this except for 15% that seem to devalue. poor 15%, it needs its day, damnit.