february monday

i knew this morning that i needed to write. need to resume the connection. in the past few days i have been feeling disgruntled in being tired all the time and searching for the magic moment to change the situation and sleep. a wonderful, long restful sleep that i could awake from fresh and renewed. this magic moment is not going to present itself.
am i at a physical risk or is it a frame of mind issue? I feel like its a frame of mind issue and focusing on being tired is a cop out. are we pushing ourselves? why do i possess such a fear of exhaustion? i feel like its my martyr point. my personal m.o. that i can fall back on as an excuse to not do something or prioritize myself.
i cant helkp thinking that there is something wrong with me. that i have a condition or illness or something inside of me. cloudy head. sore throat. hallucinations in light flashes, shadows, patterns.
courage. sarahs candle calls for courage to make life decisions in my lifes priorities. courage. I like that word. connection. clarity. my mind feels like a scramble of refried beans and eggs.
its all in the mindset so lets start working on that: the two people i adore the most in the world are in my home right now, living togteher, loving eachother, passing the hours with excitement for me to join to them. i had a fantastic day yesterday laughing hysterically all day with more people i love and get so much inspiration from. de la soul is a good time in the morning. i followed the lead of my instincts and connection to the world and gave birth.
be happy for any sleep I get and know that our life is and will work out. visualize it being better than i had imagined.