the melancholy of xmas

am i the only one who hears melancholy in the xmas songs? its all about hope and happiness, sure it is. you cant have hope and happiness without there being something you are hoping will get better and something thats not so happy. what are we hoping for: things to get better. if youre not happy, you are something else and that comes out in the xmas songs, is has to. and i like it. i like the reflection, i like seeing the depth that escapes unnoticed buried in a shroud of red velvet and white furry trim. that why i like solstice. its all about recognizing the darkess that is necessary to facilitate the brightness. it doesnt call for a day of happiness. it doesnt call for family, it doesnt prescribe. it doesnt set a timeline and in no way does it require gifts. the solstice model of winter ritual is what its all about. it allows for the melancholy, in fact it asks for it. its based on it.

i need sandalwood oil. im mixing my own oils as there isnt one on the market i have come across that makes me shiver in me timbers with olfactory ecstasy. that fancifies my essence, that is a ethereal communication of what i am all about. nope, not one thats close. so, i will make one. im on my way but need sandalwood. sandalwood oil costs approx sixty seven dollars for an eighth of an ounce. yes, thats correct. its friggin expensive. reason being it takes a lot for sandalwood to grow and yield. for one, the plant has to be 40-80 years old to be any good, otherwise the oil quite isnt there yet. it existence is vampiric in nature and its oil lives in its heartwood so you cant chop the tree down its got to be chopped down and devoured by ants who leave the heartwood, preferring a feast of leaves and bark. I loooovvvee sandalwood. ill get some soon. i tried frankinsence as a base woodsy substitute. no good. not at all. too medicinal and herbal.

danaë slept in her crib for the first time last night. there are the littlest steps of independence that are so significant but then after they happen, they're whisked away by sweeping blink from her long eyelashes. these independence steps are both of ours. as she develops hers, I have to give it with confidence and trust. there are two variables at play that makes this tough. one, is worrying about my baby. will she be okay? can she handle the Independence at this point? will she be scared? how will she react? the second variable is my letting my hold on her loosen a little bit which brings into question the function of a mother and where you are needed. but not really. thats superficial. the job of a mom is give your baby the safety to feel confident and realize her ability to handle her Independence and space and all the good life stuff that comes along with it. im so proud she slept in her crib and woke up like nothing different happened. I missed her in our room though. I felt like before we had a baby for a moment, alone in our room. with each little independence comes new way for us have intimacy. each one is an accomplishment that we arrive at together and in that experience and knowledge, we laugh a little more fully as we understand a little bit more of eachother. i love that baby. i really like being a mom. i realized that the other day. i like this a lot. it feels good on.

bright, bright solstice.