day before new years day

my eyes strained in the darkness of 2am when we heard danaë waking up on the baby monitor this morning. i had gotten used to her sleeping through the night and was rest assured we were in the clear for my return to work when both of us would be working out of the house. another reminder to not have expectations. but my baby is teething and has a cold due to the catastrophe that was xmas so shes a little uncomfortable. she eats more and sleeps less. i caught my head going in the direction of this...woe is me the mom. i feel flabby, washed out, old, tired and unclear. i had to remind myself of my connection to danaë, with that its sometimes hard to remember my connection to myself.

my head has been going in the most morbid and tragic of directions lately. I cant fall asleep. i have thoughts of something happening to me or joe, leaving the other parent and our baby alone; the sadness of not being together when we love eachother so much. scenarios keep making a presence. michelles passing let me know and feel how fast and unexpected death can be. there is so much more to leave behind now and miss. i felt michelle's passing on a new level, one that made me scared and sad in a way i havent been before.

the holiday was lame. joe and i decided to make our own tradition next year versus a holiday that dictates what it is we do. its a a new generation, we've taken our place among the ranks of parents and therefore get to make decisions. we tried to fit in and do what everyone wanted and it wound up feeling contrived and forced. we have a family now. new priorities. for one, I dont want to pass on a day of misery to my kid. for two, we have many sources of joy, there is no reason to spend even one day with total discomfort. we need to think creatively and derive what makes sense for us and danaë. i remember what my friend FreeDom said, that as parents you get to choose how you want to go about things, what you want to do. there are no rules.

a little blah. a little in love. a tad tired and debating a nap as the baby naps now, if she naps for more than 20 minutes. still feel flabby.