new year

how you spend the new year is how you will spend the rest of the year. elmo's mom says that. i find a certain truth to that as the new year is often a marker for some. how did you spend last year? how did you spend the holidays? what lies ahead? what do you want to lie ahead? what are you inviting into your life? i need to answer somw questions myself.

heres my horoscope for the week:

When I was 19, I read Alan Watts' The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. After that, I was sure there was nothing else I needed to know in order to live intelligently. It was, I thought, a compendium of the best insights worth knowing. My certainty eventually faded, thank Goddess. In its place came the understanding that life's mystery just keeps getting deeper and vaster as one grows older -- that it's idiotically arrogant to ever think you've got it all figured out. A healthier approach is to cultivate a capacity to be endlessly surprised. I hope you'll do that in 2009, Gemini. The flood of novel ideas and fresh perspectives surging your way will warrant it.

more on that later...

day before new years day

my eyes strained in the darkness of 2am when we heard danaë waking up on the baby monitor this morning. i had gotten used to her sleeping through the night and was rest assured we were in the clear for my return to work when both of us would be working out of the house. another reminder to not have expectations. but my baby is teething and has a cold due to the catastrophe that was xmas so shes a little uncomfortable. she eats more and sleeps less. i caught my head going in the direction of this...woe is me the mom. i feel flabby, washed out, old, tired and unclear. i had to remind myself of my connection to danaë, with that its sometimes hard to remember my connection to myself.

my head has been going in the most morbid and tragic of directions lately. I cant fall asleep. i have thoughts of something happening to me or joe, leaving the other parent and our baby alone; the sadness of not being together when we love eachother so much. scenarios keep making a presence. michelles passing let me know and feel how fast and unexpected death can be. there is so much more to leave behind now and miss. i felt michelle's passing on a new level, one that made me scared and sad in a way i havent been before.

the holiday was lame. joe and i decided to make our own tradition next year versus a holiday that dictates what it is we do. its a a new generation, we've taken our place among the ranks of parents and therefore get to make decisions. we tried to fit in and do what everyone wanted and it wound up feeling contrived and forced. we have a family now. new priorities. for one, I dont want to pass on a day of misery to my kid. for two, we have many sources of joy, there is no reason to spend even one day with total discomfort. we need to think creatively and derive what makes sense for us and danaë. i remember what my friend FreeDom said, that as parents you get to choose how you want to go about things, what you want to do. there are no rules.

a little blah. a little in love. a tad tired and debating a nap as the baby naps now, if she naps for more than 20 minutes. still feel flabby.

saturday night

its seven o'clock on a Saturday night and it feels like eleven. that's what happens when you wake up at five thirty in the morning. its cool tho, i feel a bit a like a superstar crafting and yielding my magic at all sorts of crazy hours to help guide new life as it discovers its own independence. i feel like I'm doing something above what I have ever known. bigger. deeper. more beautiful. floating on top of, above but not separate from what I have been able to understand and reach. transcending. horizon line in the sky, clouds illuminated yellow fading to unthinkably bright white. glorious. the stuff orgasms and and their being a portal to the goddess are made of.

for what seems like the vast majority of people, its been a transformative kind of year; the end of the year rocking a whole lot of worlds. among those which i adore, the following activities have happened in the last twelve months: becoming a parent. a new president. people loosing jobs. babies being born. friends and loved ones passing. reconnecting with the past. engagements. divorce proceedings. unbelievable opportunities. when I look at it collectively i see that the past is presenting itself so that we can gauge our progression to this point in order to make decisions about how to proceed. the reason is that there are a good amount of us who are at a point of no return based on whatever it was we experienced recently. the experiences have been to big in stature to remain as is. change, in one way or another is happening to a lot of people right now.

its good. the purging of the old and stale. the reinvention. the discovery of a new perspective. a deeper connection to the collective. a deeper understanding of the self. new levels of trust. a layer or two shed. creation. instinct getting louder.

its either terribly exciting or caught us off guard and left us knocked down a bit. to my friends who find themselves with love and inspiration apparent congratulations on being met with what you deserve. i am moved by your happiness.

to my loved ones who are trying to understand, you will and when its over you will know something deeper and brighter that will bring you love and inspiration.

as for me, i have been blessed by the most magnificent gift of beauty i have ever seen. the transformation has been a long time coming and as i settle into the new sense of self revealed, know there is some dynamite experiences ahead and even more to know and grow by. its all for a reason which is part of a chain of reasons connected to the other chain of reasons and cosmically we all find love. that's the only way it makes sense to this mama in the making.

the melancholy of xmas

am i the only one who hears melancholy in the xmas songs? its all about hope and happiness, sure it is. you cant have hope and happiness without there being something you are hoping will get better and something thats not so happy. what are we hoping for: things to get better. if youre not happy, you are something else and that comes out in the xmas songs, is has to. and i like it. i like the reflection, i like seeing the depth that escapes unnoticed buried in a shroud of red velvet and white furry trim. that why i like solstice. its all about recognizing the darkess that is necessary to facilitate the brightness. it doesnt call for a day of happiness. it doesnt call for family, it doesnt prescribe. it doesnt set a timeline and in no way does it require gifts. the solstice model of winter ritual is what its all about. it allows for the melancholy, in fact it asks for it. its based on it.

i need sandalwood oil. im mixing my own oils as there isnt one on the market i have come across that makes me shiver in me timbers with olfactory ecstasy. that fancifies my essence, that is a ethereal communication of what i am all about. nope, not one thats close. so, i will make one. im on my way but need sandalwood. sandalwood oil costs approx sixty seven dollars for an eighth of an ounce. yes, thats correct. its friggin expensive. reason being it takes a lot for sandalwood to grow and yield. for one, the plant has to be 40-80 years old to be any good, otherwise the oil quite isnt there yet. it existence is vampiric in nature and its oil lives in its heartwood so you cant chop the tree down its got to be chopped down and devoured by ants who leave the heartwood, preferring a feast of leaves and bark. I loooovvvee sandalwood. ill get some soon. i tried frankinsence as a base woodsy substitute. no good. not at all. too medicinal and herbal.

danaë slept in her crib for the first time last night. there are the littlest steps of independence that are so significant but then after they happen, they're whisked away by sweeping blink from her long eyelashes. these independence steps are both of ours. as she develops hers, I have to give it with confidence and trust. there are two variables at play that makes this tough. one, is worrying about my baby. will she be okay? can she handle the Independence at this point? will she be scared? how will she react? the second variable is my letting my hold on her loosen a little bit which brings into question the function of a mother and where you are needed. but not really. thats superficial. the job of a mom is give your baby the safety to feel confident and realize her ability to handle her Independence and space and all the good life stuff that comes along with it. im so proud she slept in her crib and woke up like nothing different happened. I missed her in our room though. I felt like before we had a baby for a moment, alone in our room. with each little independence comes new way for us have intimacy. each one is an accomplishment that we arrive at together and in that experience and knowledge, we laugh a little more fully as we understand a little bit more of eachother. i love that baby. i really like being a mom. i realized that the other day. i like this a lot. it feels good on.

bright, bright solstice.

more

i loved last night. we all went into bed early. it was bitter cold outside and the rest of our house is chilly so we piled up in the bedroom. joe brought the baby into bed with us. she was wide awake and full of smiles and giggles and baby noises. as we settled in, she let me know it was time for her feeding by following her instincts and bringing her little mouth to anything thats near her face. but she does this with such automation that it darn precious..shes on task and its easy and natural for her. we piled pillows up against the wall that i leaned back on and held my baby as she ate and fell asleep with joe right there next to us. these sweet nights and moments bring with them a complexity that resolves in a simplicity thats perfect.

i mentioned michelle. think of her. i have a candle lit for her. shes a good person and has a baby. send wishes of recovery to them. we all need love.

monday before xmas

we were up at 5am today, baby girl slept 8 hours. this is great but the exchange is that shes up most of the day. i start back into the office on the 5th. while I'm sad by this, its an the next step in evolution for our family. we've been talking schedule and starting to get on one- a schedule promotes normalcy for us. Normal isn't at all what life was before Danaë was born(okay, love dawn and drew but cannot write by the sound of the conversational clamoring.. i cant do shit with the dredel song either..billie it is). Normal refers to the activities that comprise life and getting them accomplished but everything is more vibrant, more exciting, more energy consuming and eventful with her presence. I also want to hang out with her a ton. and so i think the return to work will be good because it creates a separation between baby and work so that when am with her, I dont have to be distracted by what I have to get done otherwise.

this conversation often goes to the bullshit of a capitalist society that does not place a priority on the woman and family but on the value we hold as a worker and commodity. the standard six weeks maternity is ludicrous and tragic. we need a year. a year for the baby to be with her family and adjust to the world shes been brought into. a year for the mother and the world to make space for the baby. its too beautiful and raw of a process to be brushed aside and shortened.

*thinking of michelle and her family*

start

so today is the first day of online writing. dont know why im compelled to put this online, out there but it feels like a necessary part of the transformation and who am i to question the powers of the instinct? many times I have igonored the instinct. i heard it loud and clear but didnt do as it directed. this i took as an act of self doubt. no more. the only way I can survive having a baby and becoming a kim with a baby is to follow my gut. everything about everything i do has to be done in a way I feel and know is right for the moment. Its the only way I can communicate with her and understand whats going on, to listen, watch and feel what shes got to say. its the only way I can make decisions that seem so big and I have no experience with. its the only way to resolve. when I search for information, there is too much of it. too many do this and do thats I did this and I did that. and its the only way I will be able to enjoy every second of what is a constant evolution for the both of us, for all of us. as she grows, I grow and it changes everyday, already. I refuse to spend that time in self analysis and doubt. confidence abounds..it has to. its time. praise be 33 and the uterus.

so this blog will be dedicated to my and danaë's growth. baby updates, kim updates. all mama, all the time.