for five months now, since i gave birth, my face loo0ks different to me. every time. every way. i thought it was my hair so i cut it. when that didnt work, i went to another stylist. got new color in addition to the cut that time. neither brought my face back. when this kept happening eachtime i looked in the mirror for a period long enough to make me recognize this wasnt going to go away, i attributed it to being tired and wearing it on my face.i determined it to be age. i then added to that that my body had been through the most demanding and physically taxing experience of its lifetime, one that was so big that my body would forever be different, in every way. i then added to he mix that maybe the stress got to me and it made my face long where these was boyancy. no explination has succeeded in letting me see through it to my face underneath. no matter what I have thought or done, my face, the way i saw it, the way I recognized it, has not been reflected to me both in mirrors and pictures since i had the baby.
there is an identity in the face and its totally based on your sense of self and what you identify yourself to be. I saw beauty and youth. I now see big pores, dull tone, frown shape, roundness of bloating, age. No sparkle. No radiance. Im totally serious. When I think about it, the very thought of the whole thing is covered in a shroud of "jesus, thats sad". I instantly associated the unfamiliarity of it with negative -that whatever change I was seeing was a manifestation of something bad. therefore, something bads must me dominating the tone of life. its where I put the emphasis. im still looking for this to be normal and comfortable and its not. there is a certain sorrow i carry when I think that I have stepped to the next level of mother in the woman trinity. why sorrow? crone is next. why am i sad to have graduated to maiden versus celebrate the dynamic power I gained in the transition to mother? that i earned my step up. why is there loneliness and isolation in my step versus a strengthening of my union to the lifesource and unity. wtf? this quite a mindblowing revelation i have stumbled upon.
the answers to all of these questions are laden in self deprecation. the associations are not at all what my feminist and enlightened self knows to be true. the whole thing is very subconscious and interesting.
i have been trying to desperately to define myself. to make an image to morph in to that will declare me a powerful and lush mother. i feel that ive been working against myself. it still all feels so unfamiliar; i dont know which direction to take, i just keep spinning. i freak out with each disagreement with joe. we cant seem to get it together. we do in theory but then we get tripped up on execution. my body isnt the one i had before delivery. nothing is the same!
it cant be true though. the grey feeling in the unfamiliarity, the feeling of foreboding that comes with each fight- of misery and isolation and the loss of love in the future. totally inane. the unfamiliarity must have something bright in it. something that makes it an adventure and journey. is this what being scared feels like? every woman i know who does not have a baby seems so whimsical, so young, so tight, so opposite of me, so what I was.
the image i have of me now, the one i see myself as has long bright red wavy hair and hips and cleavage and is dancing. shes older and so pretty with her pretty daughter at her side. dancing. yellow gold backround. brick red pencil skirt. tank top. flat tummy. colors and art on her arms. big red flower tucked behnd her right ear. husband next to her. all happy.
I have heard women say babies, girls, in particular, drain your looks. that has to be bullshit and some shitty mother daughter fraudina thing to breed a sense of competition and angst among the closest of feminine based ties.
there is conflict among these notions but tied by something. i think i am on to something that is worth exploring.
2.09.2009
2.06.2009
take a deep breath
matte..i love the taste.
sarah knew exactly my thought process in taking too much time to order a dress and finding the dress..she knows me so well because she does the same thing. i love it and need someone, many or a few someones, who know me that intrinsically and with such normalcy that it makes the thought processes i hide away surface and wash away in their being understood and accepted.
maybe this whole thing is more of a start than i thought it was. that is, that I am at the beginning and so I have to revisit the starting line. sure, I have experiences and know some stuff but self development and clarity are redefined. its back to basics and this one is all about self love. five months into having a baby and feel like its still adjustment, its not normal to me in that i refer to "normalcy" as specific events and occurrences vs what life is.
"rededicate myself to my life". interesting.
priorities. what are my priorities? danaë and joe and myself. so where do work and projects and yoga fit in? what is our/my bottom line? I cant see the future, I dont have a plan now. big picture. I find that the smaller my world, the more fear-laden it is. so how does one keep a sense of global, cosmic perspective? and their place in the cosmos. and what of this shitty thought process I have that constantly leads to feeling like i am forever catching up? its driving me insecure and downtrodden. how about flipping it to being proud of what it is i do accomplish? I was actually felt crappy that I didnt get all the laundry i wanted to get done today. i felt it was a clear indication of my inability to be productive. I felt like a bum for sleeping in to 7:30am when the baby did. are these not insane ramblings; laundry?? sleeping in until 7:30?. madness. is this because I dont have vision? I dont know where it all fits in?
maybe its not about vision right now. maybe its about getting through the day. maybe i am still going through it. I can deal with that. i feel that im seeking inspiration or a measure of gratification that i had post baby and that those measures are not applicable anymore. starting line. but i dont feel why they are not applicable. is it important to me to excel at work or at being a mom? just got exhausted.
safe to say I felt a some illumination after my evening with sarah. i think that it all works out grand and that the universe will not allow for anything mediocre to come of my life. it never has. the fact that I cant look behind and go, "ah-ha" is reason for me to believe Im still going through it. thats okay then. I cant rush it and really, it hasnt been all that long. five months. beauty.
like tonight, I can think of at least five things to do if Im not sleeping but all i really want to do is veg and laugh and watch a show. not read a book. not upload pictures. not download music. most of me feels bad about this except for 15% that seem to devalue. poor 15%, it needs its day, damnit.
sarah knew exactly my thought process in taking too much time to order a dress and finding the dress..she knows me so well because she does the same thing. i love it and need someone, many or a few someones, who know me that intrinsically and with such normalcy that it makes the thought processes i hide away surface and wash away in their being understood and accepted.
maybe this whole thing is more of a start than i thought it was. that is, that I am at the beginning and so I have to revisit the starting line. sure, I have experiences and know some stuff but self development and clarity are redefined. its back to basics and this one is all about self love. five months into having a baby and feel like its still adjustment, its not normal to me in that i refer to "normalcy" as specific events and occurrences vs what life is.
"rededicate myself to my life". interesting.
priorities. what are my priorities? danaë and joe and myself. so where do work and projects and yoga fit in? what is our/my bottom line? I cant see the future, I dont have a plan now. big picture. I find that the smaller my world, the more fear-laden it is. so how does one keep a sense of global, cosmic perspective? and their place in the cosmos. and what of this shitty thought process I have that constantly leads to feeling like i am forever catching up? its driving me insecure and downtrodden. how about flipping it to being proud of what it is i do accomplish? I was actually felt crappy that I didnt get all the laundry i wanted to get done today. i felt it was a clear indication of my inability to be productive. I felt like a bum for sleeping in to 7:30am when the baby did. are these not insane ramblings; laundry?? sleeping in until 7:30?. madness. is this because I dont have vision? I dont know where it all fits in?
maybe its not about vision right now. maybe its about getting through the day. maybe i am still going through it. I can deal with that. i feel that im seeking inspiration or a measure of gratification that i had post baby and that those measures are not applicable anymore. starting line. but i dont feel why they are not applicable. is it important to me to excel at work or at being a mom? just got exhausted.
safe to say I felt a some illumination after my evening with sarah. i think that it all works out grand and that the universe will not allow for anything mediocre to come of my life. it never has. the fact that I cant look behind and go, "ah-ha" is reason for me to believe Im still going through it. thats okay then. I cant rush it and really, it hasnt been all that long. five months. beauty.
like tonight, I can think of at least five things to do if Im not sleeping but all i really want to do is veg and laugh and watch a show. not read a book. not upload pictures. not download music. most of me feels bad about this except for 15% that seem to devalue. poor 15%, it needs its day, damnit.
2.04.2009
the office is closed today and im here. we close when the school system closes and we called the school system this morning to check and it was said that school was on but apparently we called to early because at 7:30 this morning, school was canceled. lovely. well, i still need to get work done and Im here and Im home all week so its probably good to get out of the house. my tummy hurts.
balance. that is the overarching value to brand pacini. what are the five ways to achieve balance in this new form of life?
i start at balance of what? body, work, family, spiritual knowledge.
body: goal of gaining strength, tone and physical centeredness. accepting body for the beauty of the female form it is and celebrating that by loving it. important that danae is brought up with examples of positive body image. this also includes eating healthy.
work: i have to work 35 hours a week. i have 3 hours a week for consulting. need time dedicated to work.
family: the most fun and important. to ensure that I give my family what it needs to thrive and i get what I need.
spiritual knowledge: its important to me that danae has a deeper connection to the self. rituals. yoga.
these are general ideas to be worked into the brand pacini.
for the record, we got up before four am today. the city on the morning of a fresh, powdery snow is soft, quiet, preserved, noises insulated under the snow blanket. I got outside just as my blue started to emerge from the black night. pretty morning.
balance. that is the overarching value to brand pacini. what are the five ways to achieve balance in this new form of life?
i start at balance of what? body, work, family, spiritual knowledge.
body: goal of gaining strength, tone and physical centeredness. accepting body for the beauty of the female form it is and celebrating that by loving it. important that danae is brought up with examples of positive body image. this also includes eating healthy.
work: i have to work 35 hours a week. i have 3 hours a week for consulting. need time dedicated to work.
family: the most fun and important. to ensure that I give my family what it needs to thrive and i get what I need.
spiritual knowledge: its important to me that danae has a deeper connection to the self. rituals. yoga.
these are general ideas to be worked into the brand pacini.
for the record, we got up before four am today. the city on the morning of a fresh, powdery snow is soft, quiet, preserved, noises insulated under the snow blanket. I got outside just as my blue started to emerge from the black night. pretty morning.
2.02.2009
february monday
i knew this morning that i needed to write. need to resume the connection. in the past few days i have been feeling disgruntled in being tired all the time and searching for the magic moment to change the situation and sleep. a wonderful, long restful sleep that i could awake from fresh and renewed. this magic moment is not going to present itself.
am i at a physical risk or is it a frame of mind issue? I feel like its a frame of mind issue and focusing on being tired is a cop out. are we pushing ourselves? why do i possess such a fear of exhaustion? i feel like its my martyr point. my personal m.o. that i can fall back on as an excuse to not do something or prioritize myself.
i cant helkp thinking that there is something wrong with me. that i have a condition or illness or something inside of me. cloudy head. sore throat. hallucinations in light flashes, shadows, patterns.
courage. sarahs candle calls for courage to make life decisions in my lifes priorities. courage. I like that word. connection. clarity. my mind feels like a scramble of refried beans and eggs.
its all in the mindset so lets start working on that: the two people i adore the most in the world are in my home right now, living togteher, loving eachother, passing the hours with excitement for me to join to them. i had a fantastic day yesterday laughing hysterically all day with more people i love and get so much inspiration from. de la soul is a good time in the morning. i followed the lead of my instincts and connection to the world and gave birth.
be happy for any sleep I get and know that our life is and will work out. visualize it being better than i had imagined.
am i at a physical risk or is it a frame of mind issue? I feel like its a frame of mind issue and focusing on being tired is a cop out. are we pushing ourselves? why do i possess such a fear of exhaustion? i feel like its my martyr point. my personal m.o. that i can fall back on as an excuse to not do something or prioritize myself.
i cant helkp thinking that there is something wrong with me. that i have a condition or illness or something inside of me. cloudy head. sore throat. hallucinations in light flashes, shadows, patterns.
courage. sarahs candle calls for courage to make life decisions in my lifes priorities. courage. I like that word. connection. clarity. my mind feels like a scramble of refried beans and eggs.
its all in the mindset so lets start working on that: the two people i adore the most in the world are in my home right now, living togteher, loving eachother, passing the hours with excitement for me to join to them. i had a fantastic day yesterday laughing hysterically all day with more people i love and get so much inspiration from. de la soul is a good time in the morning. i followed the lead of my instincts and connection to the world and gave birth.
be happy for any sleep I get and know that our life is and will work out. visualize it being better than i had imagined.
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