winter maybe.
you know, im up for the challenge but sometimes i just want it to be easier for just a day. just when I think its going to be okay, that we have it worked out, we dont. smooth sailing is constantly under threat by some bumpy shit. the two realities live paral....
i cant even write what i feel eloquently. im tired and fighting off a cold. im trying to balance 2 jobs and a baby. im trying to be understanding of those i love. trying to be a wife and partner rooted in love as we get through this together. i dont even know what this is sometimes. I know i wnat to sleep but i have work to do. I know I want to clean the house and have calls to make and bloging is probably taking up valuable time but want to purge it and be happy in my status quo, like i ususally am. i feel like a schmo for feeling any of this when it could be far worse. i have a great life and im happy in it but some days, its really tough. i think that if i take a nap right now Ill feel worse when I get up for bot getting anything done. cant i just look at facebook photos and smoke and read a book and take a nap and when she gets up ill feel renewed and connected because I relaxed? nope. wtf.
1.27.2009
1.20.2009
inauguration day
i am surprised to say that I am feeling effected by this. i just got teary watching barack and his wife get out of a limo. i have never felt a connection to soemething political like this. the emotion comes from seeing a black couple, a young couple, people that seem like good people as the leadership of this country. it looks so different and we havent seen anything different like this before and for as long as i can remember, ive searched for that. is there hope? will things change? will i feel the sense of being an american that i have never felt, always feeling to be immersed in a country where its government is gross. he is politician, no doubt. there will be compromises, no doubt. ive come to believe that the machine is clogged in its stale, crooked repetition and never saw and end in site but there is something bright about this. at least today there is. over the years, ny interest in politics and news and current events and history has dissipated as I became aware of the contrived toxic cycles. but there has always been a vision of change. of compassion. of assistance. of respect. is it the dawn of those principles for us? i would love nothing more. i know, it may be a bit of the cheesy but I would love to see an end of suffering. I would love to see a reduction in the gap between rich and poor.id love to see an end to violence. Id love to see us take care of one another.
1.16.2009
milk
have you dried up? wtf? who says that and why is that callous, desert imagery in the jargon of american culture? women are round and soft and juicy; "drying up" is an insulting and demeaning term that rips away some of the sweetest defining features we possess, features that are linked to our power and superhuman abilities to make life. fucking ew. having just graduated to the 2nd stage in the triad of woman-ness, this is a hard one to blow off. fucking ew.
1.14.2009
wtf and fears
my horoscope this week is about letting go of some fears which is interesting because I just talked about this last night with joe. Here it is,
"It's a favorable time for you to phase out at least 60 percent of your stale old fears. The cosmos is poised to assist you in this noble cause if you'll exert even a modicum of effort. What's that you say? You're afraid you can't live authentically without a hefty amount of anxieties? You secretly believe that you'd be bored if you didn't have your worries to entertain you? Well, here's an idea that might work: Simply replace your hackneyed, knee-jerk fears with a slew of silly and outlandish ones. They'll allow you to feel the friction you rely on to feel alive, but they won't bog you down with heavy stagnancy. For example, you could contract automatonophobia, the fear of ventriloquist's dummies, and apeirophobia, the fear of infinity. Other good choices might be kyphophobia, the fear of stooping, and lutraphobia, the fear of otters. "
i am feeling this is the next stage of my evolution. i guess all stages of evolution deal with shedding fears on some level. last night, i was talking in terms of professional development and the idea of contributing. of being good at something. of being recognized as being good at something. a master at a craft. Ive always done something and then moved on, getting what I needed out of it, incorporating that knowledge into perception. professionally, creatively, i dont have a thing. im not trained in one thing. i am good what I do but im self taught and there is always more to learn. but what if im not. what if its circumstances that lead to my success and that on my own, i suck. thats something harsh to say and doesn't feel too good. so, this is the fear - the fear of others catching on. but maybe its a case of being good and knowing there is room to learn, always room to learn. for me, its admitting that and feeling confident in it vs thinking its an indication of what I dont know or how inexperienced or bad i am. I just want to be talented and think that i am but that maybe it would have been different had one talent been focused and developed. maybe not. i dont know but its time to think about where I want to go, what I want to do and how. its all a choice and direction. im looking forward to the branding session in a couple of weeks with some brilliant women.
"It's a favorable time for you to phase out at least 60 percent of your stale old fears. The cosmos is poised to assist you in this noble cause if you'll exert even a modicum of effort. What's that you say? You're afraid you can't live authentically without a hefty amount of anxieties? You secretly believe that you'd be bored if you didn't have your worries to entertain you? Well, here's an idea that might work: Simply replace your hackneyed, knee-jerk fears with a slew of silly and outlandish ones. They'll allow you to feel the friction you rely on to feel alive, but they won't bog you down with heavy stagnancy. For example, you could contract automatonophobia, the fear of ventriloquist's dummies, and apeirophobia, the fear of infinity. Other good choices might be kyphophobia, the fear of stooping, and lutraphobia, the fear of otters. "
i am feeling this is the next stage of my evolution. i guess all stages of evolution deal with shedding fears on some level. last night, i was talking in terms of professional development and the idea of contributing. of being good at something. of being recognized as being good at something. a master at a craft. Ive always done something and then moved on, getting what I needed out of it, incorporating that knowledge into perception. professionally, creatively, i dont have a thing. im not trained in one thing. i am good what I do but im self taught and there is always more to learn. but what if im not. what if its circumstances that lead to my success and that on my own, i suck. thats something harsh to say and doesn't feel too good. so, this is the fear - the fear of others catching on. but maybe its a case of being good and knowing there is room to learn, always room to learn. for me, its admitting that and feeling confident in it vs thinking its an indication of what I dont know or how inexperienced or bad i am. I just want to be talented and think that i am but that maybe it would have been different had one talent been focused and developed. maybe not. i dont know but its time to think about where I want to go, what I want to do and how. its all a choice and direction. im looking forward to the branding session in a couple of weeks with some brilliant women.
1.12.2009
afta afta
Unbridaled is over and it was pretty darn impressive. now, we decide where to go next.
im tired and have am on countdown to when I can wake Danaë for a bottle, return her to her sweet little slumber and get to mine.
Its january and time to start looking ahead with a baby -whats to come and whats important to me will define a direction. the biggest direction is that of mom in love with her baby; the rest fits in around that.
i think what i liked most about saturday's unbridaled was that it provided a platform for really creative people to apply their craft because really creative people are always creating. thats what you do when you discover something you like, something that inspires you: it gets to think and be creative in new ways..contstantly exercising the mind. my gig right now is managing life, for myself and my family, with its new edition. i am becomming good at that. theres alot to that b/c everything fits within that priority. After that, I need to identify goals and directions.
Joe is sweet, passed out on the ottoman while I work. waiting to get ready for bed together.
im tired and have am on countdown to when I can wake Danaë for a bottle, return her to her sweet little slumber and get to mine.
Its january and time to start looking ahead with a baby -whats to come and whats important to me will define a direction. the biggest direction is that of mom in love with her baby; the rest fits in around that.
i think what i liked most about saturday's unbridaled was that it provided a platform for really creative people to apply their craft because really creative people are always creating. thats what you do when you discover something you like, something that inspires you: it gets to think and be creative in new ways..contstantly exercising the mind. my gig right now is managing life, for myself and my family, with its new edition. i am becomming good at that. theres alot to that b/c everything fits within that priority. After that, I need to identify goals and directions.
Joe is sweet, passed out on the ottoman while I work. waiting to get ready for bed together.
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